Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Big 4

Got this over the net, damn hilarious!

Are Big 4 nothing more than a modernized form of indentured servants?

I think so.

Over the past month, I've had the pleasure of sitting on a floor full of accounting employees and consultants. Some of them internal, but most are from PricewaterhouseCoopers, Deloitte, Ernst & Young, and KPMG. For some reason, my employer hires all of them. In massive quantities. They literally have 15-30 of them stuffed in what used to be conference rooms.

Here's what I've witnessed thus far:

1) 90% of them are chicks under 24.

2) 60% of them are hot.
The two items above help paint the picture but are not purposeful to my argument.

3) 100% of them eat lunch together, in the office. While working.

4) 0.2% of them are the lucky souls that got to leave the office to go pick up lunch for their 30-50 coworkers. This practice allows the Big 4 employers to fully utilize their staff. They would prefer that no one ever leave the office, but for brief moments, they will allow select employees to exit the building. Upon release, these employees must only leave to quickly pickup food and return promptly.

5) 100% of them appear to live at work. When I arrive to work at 8am, they begin filtering in. Morning seems to be the only portion of the day with any flexibility. Some of them appear to have the same clothes on as the previous day and I'm fairly certain many of them shower in the corporate gym locker room. Their hair is always wet, like Kate on the television show Lost. Which happens to be a show they've never seen, because they work late into the night. To tell you the truth, I have no idea when these people leave. The latest I've ever stayed at work was 6:30 (sickening). When I did leave at 6:30, I saw two frat boys returning from their 10 minute release with a gigantic box of Chili's To-Go. Apparently dinner has the same routine as lunch. So I know they are at the building until at least 8, and I know they have time to hit the bars because some of them smell of Virginia Slims and Mojitos. Best guess is 11pm.

It is based on these observations that I started to wonder if they are a new breed of indentured servants. The definition of indentured servant is: a form of debt bondage worker. The laborer is under contract of an employer for usually three to seven years, in exchange for their transportation, food, drink, clothing, lodging and other necessities. Unlike a slave, an indentured servant is required to work only for a limited term specified in a signed contract.
Big 4 employees are not necessarily under contract, but there is an invisible contract keeping most of them employed for far too long. Normal human beings would not agree to working 70-115 hours per week, but they see the carrot dangling. They see the Partner pulling down huge figures and sitting in meetings where other executives do nothing but pretend to be busy, shake hands, and exchange millions of dollars.

In regards to their pay, it looks good on paper. They might be flaunting the fact that they make "big bucks" compared to their friends, but most of them haven't considered how much they make per hour. Consider the fact that the majority of them make $45 - 100k and work an average of 60 hours per week (over the course of a year, 100 during busy season) and you've got yourself a job paying $15 - $34 per hour. And that may even be an overstated figure. Not chump change for some, and by no means am I attempting to offend those who make less. But I know for a fact that roofers made $15 an hour in 2001 and they don't treat their employees like servants. I know this because many of them smoked massive amounts of pot during lunch and also enjoyed wearing their wife's undergarments (but that's neither here nor there).

However, there are a fortunate group of people who escaped from the Big 4 Truman Show. They call themselves "alumni". Many of them have been kind enough to provide definitions of what each of the Big 4 companies mean to them via

Deloitte definitions:

1. "A modern form of prostitution where eager, young minds sign on with the most reputable "practice" (pimp) in hopes of success and fortune but end up being sold to the highest bidder while partaking only a minimal share of the profits. "Partners" (pimps) are noted for reprimanding personnel that do not perform every and all requests of the client (john).

2. "The last form of slavery in the US. This is where many young people begin careers and work 115 hours a week until they either quit or die from exhaustion. Former Deloitte employees often have scarred backs from the whip marks."

PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) Definitions:

1. "A big 4 accounting firm which hires bright young college graduates and converts them into arrogant, stuck up, lifeless souls who are proud of the fact that they are working eighty hour weeks, despite being paid at an hourly rate lower than the average McDonalds toilet cleaner."

2. "An environment/hell, in which the term 'work-life balance' is used to convince bright, young professionals to accept jobs. Once on the other side, it becomes apprent very fast that it doesn't exist, but the majority of employees stay, because the partners continue to say they are "working" to improve 'work-life balance'."

3. "PwC - People Working Constantly"

Ernst & Young Definitions

1. Essentially a pyramid rip-off scheme Amway would be proud of, the accounting firm Ernst & Young (aka EY) stands as a shining example of why people are willing to accept communism as alternative to a market society. The EY meat grinder is powered by recent college graduates looking for a door into upper-middle management. At the top of the food chain sit the partners and senior managers who glut themselves on the labors of their staffers. Typically, the best staffers are quickly offered more palatable positions at other companies, while others grow tired of the abuse and leave. The unimpressive few that remain are eventually made partners only because they lack the emotional maturity to handle a leadership position in any other industry...

2. A stepping stone to bigger and better things. It doesn't matter where you go afterwards, because it can't get any worse.

KPMG Definitions

[Apparently KPMG employees are the least creative of the bunch because they just repeated what the other companies said.]

These are the words of abused people. They need our help. It's time to put a stop to the unfair
work practices and join my Facebook Group Big 4 Accounting Chicks are Hot, Don't Abuse Them.


Syn@3sTh3sI@ said...

wow.. tis is funny.. hahahaha...

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